Repost: Coffee and Cigarettes

K, reposting the journal entry where your heart started speaking again.




5 Months and counting...this is my journey in getting over you.
I still count, because it seems numbers have always given me comfort, it's accountability and its limitless possibilities has been a companion...and it seems a far more better one than you.
(Numbers, they tell me that it's not like they would refuse to exist just because I'm no longer wearing star glittered glasses)

I have finally taken the time to perform a hard reset on my phone's memory, to erase your messages that failed to give me comfort on the times I find myself doubting the sanity of loving you. As inane as it would seem, I purged myself of your words that used to ground me.
I refused to be grounded for now.

Daylight is pouring warmth behind me...funny Hell hasn't frozen over when I walked out from the prison of my self-induced rose-tinted world. Red doesn't do it for me (Thank you God).

Despite that going through your betrayal, your apathy and your insecurities would help me heal, I refused to talk about you, to think about you or to even remember you. At first I doubted my decision. If it would infest me more of you then find myself a hollow version of myself.

Today I find that you matter (not for long). Even if this sounds like I may be remembering you and hurting myself in the process, I find myself more inclined to feel now. To feel. ( I doubt you'd get it)

I wish you strength. Despite how much I hate you, I wish you strength to come out of your shell, barely a man, barely anything. Hiding under the shadows of your own doubts. Maybe I wish you strength because you couldn't own up to anything if you remain what you are now.
Your insecurities will not cover you from the truth of what you are.
Hollow.


Pain. It is coursing through my veins along with the blood of heroes and traitor, it runs through me. I want you to feel this. Pain boiling out. Consuming you. Not a random act of violence, but a precise infliction of every hurtful entity that would break down your apathy.
Shredding you to what you actually are, pathetic. Weak.



Yes. I am angry. Given the right circumstances I might run you over with my car. Kick a ball to your face, darn it, kick you. I want to feel. I am angry.
Anger is a gift. I am giving it to you.
Your betrayal is nothing to my anger, as I am making you Nothing to me.
Feel.