Simala: Prayer for the Living

In my thirteen years here in Cebu, I haven’t been to Simala. Heard of it? Sure. I mean, who hasn’t? It has become a tourist attraction, even the non-believers. Each to his own yeah?
My parents were able to visit before I did and they live in a different island and only come to Cebu to visit me and my sister. So the next time they visited Simala along with my aunts from Tacloban and Manila, I opted to go right after my shift and in the middle of a work weak. (I know, suicidal). *the things we do for family*
Despite being the camera girl, so my family would have photos of themselves when they were there and stuff to post on facebook, the visit was worth it. Fatigue was a consequence I was prepared for so I have no rants about that. =) Even with the heat, and the bloody stairs and my father’s constant teasing that I need to lose weight. (Teasing aside I actually need to).

Looking at the numerous statues and religious images can be beautiful, daunting, scary…and if you were me? Slightly jaded and a pragmatist, you’d think that the opulence of the place and the reconstructions being done was over-rated and an economic boost, for the faithful. (There goes my sarcasm). However, despite my personal grievances with the church, I still believe in God…and it too is humbling. To have people from different walks of life visit, because of their faith…their need and their prayers…you feel…empathy. My family was there to pray for souls we have lost along the years, and souls we wish not to lose just yet.
So stumping on hypocrisy and turning off my anger, I prayed.
For friends, for family and for anyone who has lost hope. I prayed.

Although the highlight there, was this one dog that sang along with Ave Maria. Priceless.

Of Moments Unfocused

Saturday morning after a 5-hour extension of my already 9-hour shift, I waited for Joe to pick me up from the office. With how drained I felt and how high the sun was already, watching traffic and waiting was starting to fall under my definition of miserable.
The building being constructed beside the office suddenly had a dust chute accidentally detaching, so I immediately covered my face with the hoody I was carrying with me. But instead of dust falling and flying about, small Styrofoam balls gently fell down from the 16-story building.
At that moment, I never hated the thieves who ransacked my apartment and stolen my camera.
Can you imagine that image? That perfect moment where I could have finally gotten a beautiful industrial shot: the backdrop of a construction building, with the 10 am sunlight filtering through it and white Styrofoam balls falling.
The image is in my head…and since I no longer paint like I used to, I cannot put it into a canvas I can physically touch, or a photograph I could look at to remember an exhausting yet successful day of work, of being too drained to be angry at the world, of looking forward to an evening with friends.
I only have a memory and words to trigger it should I forget.

[ missing image here]

*Ergo, come Christmas I am getting a new camera. Thieves be damned…my dad just gave me something to add to my arsenal: Sundang! (and I have Tinker, I’m teaching him to eat assholes and thieves)

Of My Blood and Yours

Steph and I were finally able to attend the annual Night of Heritage here in Cebu City.

Maybe it's a first-timer's perspective or a non-art connoisseur, however, I could conclude that the event was awesome.

I didn't mind the ticket price or the slightly drizzly weather.

The museums and the stops, the art exhibit and even the slightly confusing bus ride was definitely worth the time, effort and my slightly annoying phobia for crowds.

I'm pretty sure some people were there for the raves of being seen and being on print or the telly. But it was still nice to see kids there, learning more of history, appreciating local art...and even a few couples who made it a date night. 

Love the art work exhibit at sacred heart Church, our last stop before we headed to IT Park for a very late dinner or too early breakfast with Lane.

 
I hope I could attend again next year and be more prepared despite the "tourist" look I probably would be sporting again.

The Intricacies of Gossip

She came near my station and blurted out “Unsa man to inyo glibak sa Jollibee regarding sa akong utilization na cge ra man ko katulog?”
One word went into my mind “utilization” so I tried explaining to her the conversation I had with someone regarding utilization and before I could finish, she went on and on and on about nobody being perfect and everyone does fall asleep sometimes at work including me. I didn’t deny it, except what came out of my mouth was “I don’t think you’re perfect too” Talk about my foot on my mouth. I couldn’t get out of that one even with a crow bar.
I knew she was rambling even when she returned to her station but I tuned her off when I saw my boss’ email for an ADHOC report that was a tad difficult than usual.
After some time: finishing the ADHOC, taking meds for my menstrual pain and getting some needed sleep as well as being a walking zombie all through out the weekend with my parents, I was able to actually think through what she said.
Take note, she said what was it we were talking about at Jollibee regarding her utilization when she only sleeps at work.
When I think back on the particular conversation she was referring to, the sequence of conversations were:
1. Ken mentioned she was sleepy. Then Maricor mentioned that Wendy was sleeping again earlier with her mouth open. I then mentioned she was too that morning and that I asked another team mate to wake her up because the senior management team was still on the floor and might visit our area.
2. Michelle comes to join our table when we were still discussing her sleeping on the job. Then Ken mentions that Manny also sleeps during work and that he snores. Which got us laughing because every time we wake him up he sings himself awake.
3. Topic changes to the GRP positions open in the office and whether anyone of us is interested, which got to focus on mine and Ken’s job grade, whether we’ll be promoted this year or not. Then if we do get promoted then the RAs would probably would,where in which i said probably since they were supposed to be promoted last year but wasn’t pushed through.
4. Then the conversation shifted to our promotion since we’re pretty “fast” with our delivery, which again shifted to comparisons on speed of work. I mentioned that before I joined the 22-State OMD team, my previous team mates would ask me if the team I would be joining were okay and more specifically if their work speed drove me crazy.

Now with that catalogued, I wonder where I said what she said I did.

Furthermore, when I think about it, she really freaked out, like she was either under the influence, mentally or emotionally unbalanced or possessed. If there’s an actual medical term for women on their forties to go berserk all of a sudden then that could be it.
Who in their right mind demands about someone else’s gossip?
At her age that was the first time she knew she was being talked about? Because believe me, before even joining the management team, which was 5 years ago, talk about her was all over the office. Which I ignored when I joined my current team, because talk is talk, I prefer knowing the person before I come to any conclusion. Despite personal issues and unable to relate, I find that work is work and I can tolerate someone else’s eccentricities to my own. I mean, I’m sure most of my team mates are not sure what to make of me.
Talk about weirdos or addicts? or demon-possessed?
Anyway, since she took it to a personal level by invading my personal space and actually telling me that in not so many words that I do not have the right to talk about her.
I know.
Who fucking died and made her God?
The following week, I found out she has been telling anyone who would listen that we clashed…errrr..I don’t even recall listening to her litany. Furthermore, in her obsessive need to hear her rant in her reedy voice, I didn’t bother saying anything anymore.
It’s like speaking with a fog horn, except a fog horn has an actual use for it’s noise.
She posted some sort of saying on her station so everyone can read it. Something along the lines of: Small Minds discuss people.
I wonder what ass that came from.
Talk about hypocrisy. If I tell her to place her mother and her children’s lives and tell me she hasn’t gossiped about me or anyone else. I wonder who’ll die first.
This stops here. I feel less intelligent writing this. Writing about her. Again, God might have a purpose why he created such a waste of space. Maybe her children wouldn’t grow up to be as self-obsessed as her.
I used to be civil. I can still be. Just as long as I pretend she’s a rabid dog that can’t help what it is. If I think she’s an actual person, I could question my faith further, which isn’t a good thing right now.
So. There’s a Rabid Dog in my office, care to throw stones at it when you’re bored?

July Resolution: Let’s teach her what freedom of speech is. Or. There’s a Rabid Dog.

Unimpressed and Fearful

I am an anime and comic enthusiast. Born on the rising era of the Marvel and DC bouts, it was inevitable that at my age I still am a major fan-girl, who would watch almost all Marvel and DC comicverse being brought to the big screen and even 3D versions of a much read (over and over an over) story line.
Most of the movies I have seen so far has been surprising with their variation or with their ‘loyalty’ to their origins. Even the few that were a bit…lacking were still fun to watch…and yes criticize with friends over coffee, dinner and beer-moments.
So far the manga and their anime adaptations have been rather more satisfying. Thus the splurge on downloads and external hard drives and DVDs. I don’t really give a rat’s ass when people give me ‘the eye’ when I splurge in buying a number of DVDs more on anime and wee bit of English series.
Despite the visual paradise this ‘age’ (i seem so freaking old saying that) has provided, I too have been rather happy with the genre of books that have been published and circulating. Paranormal, fantasy and bit of sci-fi novels and books seem to be the rage. I happen to love some young-adult series being published despite my current age. Although at some point some have become quite blasé for my taste. But I respect people’s choices so Hurray for them.
Then there’s the graphic novels and the actual Manga on bookstores. rather expensive, but what a treat.
At first I really really really loved them. Honest. I mean who wouldn’t? Did you see the Sandman graphical novel? I can say this…AWESOME.
Yesterday, I went to Power  Books at SM while my parents were busy perusing mobile phones. And I saw a bookshelf with classic novels such as Hamlet, Tom Sawyer, The Detective, Anna Karenina…etc, displayed on the Graphical Novel section.
Don’t get me wrong, I love graphical novels. And I do get the point of what the publishing houses are doing. Getting younger generations to ‘appreciate and understand’ the classics. However I remember asking my cousins once, if they have ever read the Eragon series, or the Twilight series which they happen to love so much.
They told me they haven’t and would not because reading seems such a drag. There are too many words. No pictures. Boring. What’s the point if there’s a movie on it or a graphical novel version.
And I am now afraid. My mind drifts to a Chief of Staff, who could not visualize a written report and would require scenarios in 3D or a visual or Weapon Expert who would need a representation of an actual weapon because to visualize in his own head what a spec list indicates would be…boring.
I see the end of the world. The third World War. The next atomic bombing. The genocide of an entire race.
Although for argument’s sake, maybe it’s safer this way.Hitler doesn’t have anything against lack of imagination. He had some. So I guess crime would be…pie. (lol)
I could be wrong. I know for a fact not everyone my cousins’ age lack that imagination, or has the same outlook regarding books, regarding words. Basically, the younger you are the more chances you have of learning. I’m sure my parents’ generation had more to say about mine. About our irrational need to be independent, our need to enjoy much of life before tying the knot, of our outspoken naiveté.
I am hoping that when the time comes, they could prove themselves and not destroy the planet in the process. But I am afraid. I am unimpressed.

Running Out of Options

I have to admit, I did thought about it…the possibility. I mean, I have to admit you know…I can be quite paranoid and controlling. I have a habit of making sure I have control on situations I might get into. But I never really thought the worst could happen.
In a way I am glad…for my paranoia and my obsessive need to have everything written and sealed. I didn’t take the leap like most people did.
However, I feel sorry for those who did. I know their reasons for resigning. The usual ones: higher salary, a new management a higher position. But to have those dreams crushed suddenly…hell. Just thinking about those with families and what they are thinking right now. I’m sure most of them are desperately looking for any new and available positions in other companies. I am hoping they find one as soon as possible.
A part of me is angry for them. I’m sure aside from the shock and the disappointment, they too feel angry right now. Who wouldn’t be? Being promised a new job and training in Manila for a few months before being the pioneer group in Cebu then having those taken away from them…furious.
Compensations have been provided, but what is a month’s worth of salary to a future that has been cauterized? In the bright side, I am happy that they were provided compensation…despite a very very small one. I am hoping for all of them. They aren’t all my friends. Some I actually have no respect for at all, still…something like this…in these times, having no work…is not easy.
As an officemate said, with what happened, she appreciates her job more despite the shit she gets from people. I hope the idiots in the office would feel the same way and actually start working their asses off. Because I finally have my April resolution: I will teach them what the word STRICT means. Deliverance is such a wonderful word too, and appreciation is a word they would finally feel when I start the game they think I cannot play.
Happy April-hunting.

The Almost Forgotten Cycle

I am left bed-ridden most of the day because I over estimated and have “forgotten” what it’s like to have my cycle on me again. After…I don’t recall the last time I had this. (see what I mean by forgetting?)

Work is extra challenging this week, with March about to end (I assure you, I am not ready for this month to end just yet). However, adding this to the factor, work has been excruciating.

I am constantly uncomfortable…higher temperature, so despite the AC, the world is just too hot right now. My bad habit of delaying my restroom breaks are currently non-existing. This has put me on the clock at work and at home. I have to get up and go to the rest room every freaking 3 hours.

Adding the fact that I can’t seem to find the “right” kind of …utilities that would suit me and I seem to be going through 3 brands like I’m eating junk food…leaks!!! Fucking leaks. *sigh*

I should stop now. Talking about this is making me more frustrated than ever.

My only consolation, I am going to get Kira this week.

*forgot to post this too (LOL)

March Resolution

I don’t pretend to be a patient person, but I can try. 
I am not denying that I have a short fuse; yet I will contain it within limits if need be.
But there are some things I cannot make an exception of. The idea is just preposterous.
You expect me to respect you because you’re a mother, a senior in our department and a human being. The fact that I haven’t done anything to you yet proves the fact that I believe in God. Oh, and Respect, from the mountains where I come from, it’s a word intertwined with Ethics and Honor. You don’t have any. Pigs flying has more possibilities of me respecting you.
It’s nothing personal. I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if you're a liar, a cheat who kisses ass; or a narrow-minded back-stabbing bitch. I could try to understand and respect that you’re the way you are. However, should you give me more stress than I already have at work, don’t expect me to swallow it quietly. I am not some newbie you could push around. I can tell you know that, which is the reason why you haven’t been in my radar until February.
Simply admitting that you’re wrong would have been less painful. I was helping you correct your error. You had to point fingers. And lied. Blaming someone else you could push around. Which is a mistake. Because I know everyone’s work. And I have studied 6 months of your work, you make similar mistakes, and give similar excuses by blaming someone else (so predictably easy to destroy). to add insult to injury, knowing the error, you repeated it the week after. How stupid can you get?

Take note. I too am human just like Cain was and I am a person moved by necessity. Should circumstances coincide where I would need to do something…well you should know what I mean by that. This is my March Resolution. I will be honest at work even when others are not (a.k.a. Make your life a living hell). Every mistake you make; I will document and report.
Oh I also added a side note. For you to extend every Friday shift so I can watch you work miserably.
I can’t wait for April. Let’s see you survive this month.

The Traitors and the Envious Bitch

I often see her do nothing all through out the shift, except make comments on someone else work, make excuses for her own and pretend to be working on something important once a request comes in...not knowing I actually have the roster for everyone's deliverables.

The sad part is, our own supervisor and manager encourages this kind of behavior from her. There is no action taking.

One does not have the ability to listen, except the sound of his own voice sputter random stuff...borderline stupidity really.
While the other one is looking out for his own. Already counting his chicken for a much awaited egg.
The funny part, he thinks I will abandon the team like he would once the opportunity arises.

When was I really that predictable?

GUBA Fiesta 2011

January 12, 2011
GUBA, Talamban, Cebu City

motorcycle ride to Guba Talamban was awesome!!!
First time I actually liked eating lechon.
Short respite from work to hang out with malot-buang, marc and lots of thanks to Gemma. Yum yum yum

Berlin Wall and Voltair Coffee Night

January 22, 2011
Bo's Cafe, BTC
Cebu City


For friends that are awesome and do not mind the fact that I hardly try to be nice. For conversations that never cease to make me laugh.
Love to have another go this month and this time the BEACH!!!

A Beautiful Day

I thank you for the melody that wove through happier days. In remembrance of laughter shared, of bonds created that would stand the test of time.
For moments where I am both the product of the strength of a past and the million possibilities of a distant future.

Your voice remained a constant company through days of summer rains and stormy winds.
A reminder, constantly showing me that I am of a people that have risen.
That blood of heroes moves through my veins.

Your song forever frees me from the self-induced insecurity of our society. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. We can be more that who we are.

Proud of the land we sprung from.
Three stars and a sun.

Thank you.

**To the man whose song is always connected to a great childhood and a great family...whose words forever strengthens our resolve to be who we are.

"And in my dreams you were so real. Oh so it seems.
Inside my head a giant screen plays every scene
And in my dreams I feel you every time I go to sleep"

You will always be remembered.

Repost: Coffee and Cigarettes

K, reposting the journal entry where your heart started speaking again.




5 Months and counting...this is my journey in getting over you.
I still count, because it seems numbers have always given me comfort, it's accountability and its limitless possibilities has been a companion...and it seems a far more better one than you.
(Numbers, they tell me that it's not like they would refuse to exist just because I'm no longer wearing star glittered glasses)

I have finally taken the time to perform a hard reset on my phone's memory, to erase your messages that failed to give me comfort on the times I find myself doubting the sanity of loving you. As inane as it would seem, I purged myself of your words that used to ground me.
I refused to be grounded for now.

Daylight is pouring warmth behind me...funny Hell hasn't frozen over when I walked out from the prison of my self-induced rose-tinted world. Red doesn't do it for me (Thank you God).

Despite that going through your betrayal, your apathy and your insecurities would help me heal, I refused to talk about you, to think about you or to even remember you. At first I doubted my decision. If it would infest me more of you then find myself a hollow version of myself.

Today I find that you matter (not for long). Even if this sounds like I may be remembering you and hurting myself in the process, I find myself more inclined to feel now. To feel. ( I doubt you'd get it)

I wish you strength. Despite how much I hate you, I wish you strength to come out of your shell, barely a man, barely anything. Hiding under the shadows of your own doubts. Maybe I wish you strength because you couldn't own up to anything if you remain what you are now.
Your insecurities will not cover you from the truth of what you are.
Hollow.


Pain. It is coursing through my veins along with the blood of heroes and traitor, it runs through me. I want you to feel this. Pain boiling out. Consuming you. Not a random act of violence, but a precise infliction of every hurtful entity that would break down your apathy.
Shredding you to what you actually are, pathetic. Weak.



Yes. I am angry. Given the right circumstances I might run you over with my car. Kick a ball to your face, darn it, kick you. I want to feel. I am angry.
Anger is a gift. I am giving it to you.
Your betrayal is nothing to my anger, as I am making you Nothing to me.
Feel.

Broken

For a short while I was made to feel like the biggest joke.
And in those few seconds I felt the bitter taste of betrayal until it was chased away by the rushing course of my anger...  I carved up the bloody remnants of my sanity. Stitched them together as a poor semblance of everyone else's normality.

And now that it's patched up the best way I could, I am plotting down every detail of destroying you.

Up to the last step of laying you flayed out and broken under my scorching sun.

Publish Post

Morpheus Knocking

I think in a way...I have grown to be someone who has lost her mind. Adulthood is a trying stage and I don't think that nirvana people talk about is feasible....or that's my sleep-deprived mind talking. More like spouting nonsense...on a note, nonsense is a fatal fashion statement but seems to be thriving like a damn disease.

On another note...am I the type of person that could be bribed? I doubt it though...I find illogical things not worth mentioning and should one take up bribing as a professional calling...they need more work. They come off as lame and insulting.

I look twice at a pretty smile, take a second look at a vibrant color, turn my head at the sound of a deep gravely voice, stops to listen to lyrics sang by an untried screaming voice, stands still at a sight of a rusty star...

I am not patience molded in a tea cup. I am not the personification of love unbounded. I can't be the poster girl for whatever dream scape you are living in.and no I am not a damsel in distress nor am I broken.I do not need fixing.

Don't tempt me with the world. I had it in the palm of my hands when I was eleven and gave it up because it got boring watching the same shit over and over and over...

I need sleep.

Oyasumi!