Dragons and Broken Hearts

A decision I’ve made on a whim, like throwing a stone far out and just checking where it would land, became an actual act of progression.

I am starting out on something new, again. It has been awhile since I’ve been on this doorstep of uncertainty and excitement all rolled up together. A part of me is definitely looking forward to a new environment, maybe a new beginning. Along with this is fear, of the unknown, of the worse possible outcome of my decision to leave a place that has been a comfort zone despite the number of pitfalls I’ve experienced or daily living them.

As I have told Alaska, I might be making a huge mistake, but it’s a mistake I probably have to make, although I am hoping it wouldn’t fall to that.

Telling Texas personally that I am leaving, was hard. Because all the memories, despite them usually being phone calls and online chatting,came rushing in my head. All the while my heart was breaking. Dramatic. You could say that.

I love them both. Alaska and Texas. No one has been like them in my eight years in the company. I’m not too sure of ever finding anyone else like them.

Telling Alaska via online chatting was hard. I caught myself breathing deeply to stop tears from gathering on my eye lids. I felt pretty much a sap. I honestly told him I didn’t know what to really say. I hate giving bad news to good people. And despite knowing I had every right to make this decision, I felt guilty. I know. It doesn’t make sense.

I had dragons in my stomach all through out the month, trying to come up with words to tell them of my choice. Whoever came up with butterflies as a description was making things up to be cute, because I swear what I had were fire-breathing ones. I’ve stressed over words to say. What bullshit I would give for reasons: Time, change, family and peace of mind.

We were a perfect combination. They needed an individual that would cater their business needs and I am hardly a team player unless necessity requires that I work with and for a team. They gave me free reign in most of the things I did for them, which allowed me to explore and experiment on some things that I’ve become adept with. And I am thankful for that. But most of all, I am thankful for having gotten to know great individuals, who despite the hard work they put me through, were patient and respectful. Often it didn’t feel like work. And at the end of the day, they never ever forget to thank me. Which as my manager has told me, we have a “thankless job”, which I refute, should not excuse people from forgetting common courtesy to say thank you.

To put it bluntly, Alaska and Texas are high up on the food chain, and yet I feel more appreciated working with them than with people who I see everyday in the office and “requests” data analysis.

Makes me wonder of the adage: only the privilege can afford to be thankful.

I am surrounded by sharks. Even those I have considered team mates are like predators on a blood scent. Within the time before my last day of work, I wonder if I would ever tell them the truth why I’m really going: I find that I could no longer stomach the little things that people do to make me feel unwelcome, the under-the-belt discrimination and put downs to our team, the constant reminder that I am under someone who could barely be a good follower therefore a questionable leader; that I am locally under the supervision of someone who bothers people for opinions but do not really listen to them or take them into consideration; watching someone high up on the food chain act like a common vindictive woman; watching every one kiss ass in order to be granted undeserved positions; watch deserving and hard working individuals leave the company and be replaced by incompetent if not untrained pliable individuals. But most of all, I can no longer stand to go to the office and see the same shit over and over and over again. I am not good at pretending.

As much as they have done to protect me, they weren’t there to see what I was witnessing. And I’m not really one to tattle-tale. Maybe this is due to being raised by a man who taught me self-respect is a fundamental ingredient to a healthy soul.

I will miss them. More than I could ever imagine I’d say. Therefore before I leave, I’ll make sure they are taken care of and that I would have a replacement who would care for them as much as I have.

Lesson learned: Do not fall in love with your boss. Leaving would break your heart as much as mine already has been.

Self-imposed Wonderland Backdoor

I watched Narnia: The Dawn Treader movie earlier with my friends: Inda, Riz and Bej.  I’m pretty much into the genre of the movie since I also love the books and well I have to admit I root for Edmund…sorry, King Edmund that is. LOL

I have forgotten how the actual story ended, well the entire 7 books. I might have that as an assignment of some sort. To re-read the books…then watch the 3 movies again. OC much?

Bej commented that she liked the series, so I mentioned the books, which led to the question if I was really into the Fantasy genre and I admitted that yeah, love it a lot. When asked why…well…to be honest…because it’s definitely the farthest (?) or the opposite concept against reality.

People might find my reasons rather…childish? In a way, if I do psychoanalyze myself, it would fall under defense mechanism or delusion. But is it delusion if I am fully aware of the difference between fantasy and reality? Would you consider me mentally unbalanced for my preferences? To choose non-reality? Am I less self aware because of my preferences?

I still don’t watch television nor do I read the newspaper despite my father’s advice that to be aware of current events is the first step in being well prepared in daily interaction with people. I do read, if given that I have nothing else to do or I do pick up the newspaper, but often I go to the sports section before the front page. It’s football so sue me!

Before, I did make the effort to read the newspaper daily. I’d like to say that I stopped because it was an additional expense to buy the newspaper every bloody day. But let’s be honest here…partially (slight) because I barely have the time…and (major major) I got tired of reading how until now we have assholes in the government. If they are not corrupt, they’re idiots. If it’s a person with no “known” scandal everyone presumes he must be an expert at hiding his tracks. If it wasn’t about the circus (government) the news would cover inane scandals and emotional (crap) difficulties of celebrities…like that would solve the country’s poverty.

Although one of my friends says that it’s an outlet that Filipinos need to disassociate themselves from their current reality issues. So who am I to argue, I too have my wonderland backdoor. So each to his own yeah? 

This is my reality and since it’s mine, I made a point that I would take the time to isolate myself from its harshness as often as I could get away with it. Thus I watch Anime over the News. I watch crime series and learn multiple ways of how people die instead of knowing how actual people did die during a day. I read macabre fantasy on niche-worlds with angels and monsters with no moral obligations to humanity instead of listening to how an actual person of good moral background could butcher his own family. I listen to alternative rock songs than to the preaching of someone who admonishes everything about how the country is ran by corrupted officials every night, and yet no action is taken, no resolution, no possible future.

I have a self-imposed wonderland backdoor, what do you have to keep your self from going ape-shit?